Faces in the Crowd, Day 10

Let My Spirit Soar, Bev Doolittle

This post is part of an on-going Lenten series that began Ash Wednesday. 

"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.

And after had had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray.    

When evening came, he was there alone," (Matthew 14:22-23)

+

"When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matthew 9:36)

 

Over the course of Lent, I've named some of the faces of the "inner crowd" - the ones I would like to send away - and the ones that Jesus embraces with compassion. Today, the face I see is "the one who  forgets how to dream." Another way to say it might be that there is a part of me that plays life safe and doesn't risk what "might be" without great effort. John Shedd has written, "A ship in the harbor is safe-- but that is not what ships are built for." We are built for dreaming and possibilities. We are not just built, but created for a life that reaches past what we can see and experience in this moment. Yes we forget this, but we also have the capacity to remember. 

In gazing at Bev Doolittle's painting, I see the expansiveness of reflection, remembering and dreaming. All of these occur in a setting of solitude and stillness. 

Today's vista & prayer:

• In what ways do you forget to dream? When are you likely to feel like "the ship in the harbor"? 
• How does Bev Doolittle's painting speak to you?
• We pray: Jesus, long ago you dismissed the crowd to be alone with God. On another occasion you saw the crowd and were moved with compassion. Grant me the gift of dreaming when I forget. In your compassion, draw me into stillness and solitude so I might remember my place in the greater world of what might be. Amen.

 

Faces in the Crowd, Day 9

Full Body Self Portrait by Mattis Grunsky

 This post is part of an on-going Lenten series that began Ash Wednesday. 

"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.

And after had had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray.    

When evening came, he was there alone," (Matthew 14:22-23)

+

"When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matthew 9:36)

We are about mid-way through Lent. Yesterday was the Third Sunday of Lent and there are two more Sundays before Palm Sunday. I'm remembering all the years I have either given something up or taken something on as a Lenten practice. I think of the optimism at the beginning, the hopes I have for the practice to open an experience of honesty and depth. The desire to walk with Jesus in prayer and reflection, remembering his life and death and life. It's about this time, when the initial shine and enthusiasm fade and the hard work of staying with the practice, and staying with Jesus begins. Will I give up? Will I get distracted? Will I fade away? Will I double down in some sort of feat of strength? Or will I just continue to be as present as I can? As Rebecca Wells asks in one of her novels, "How tender can we bear to be?"

Since Ash Wednesday I have been considering these two gospel occasions from Matthew where Jesus is with the crowd. I've identified and named some of the faces from my own "inner crowd" - and found that Jesus meets my inner crowd with more compassion than I do. Some members of the inner crowd are for me to name in private - which is likely true for you also. 

Where will we go from here as we stride more deeply into Lent? Time will tell - the day itself will tell. 

When I look at Grunsky's self portrait, I see a relaxed, open posture - and his raised hand and sign of willingness to be-with, and to go. What does it feel like to take that posture into the day and into the days ahead?

Today's vista & prayer:

• If you have adopted a practice for Lent, what have you noticed over the last few weeks since Ash Wednesday?   
• How does Grunsky's painting speak to you?
• We pray: Jesus, long ago you dismissed the crowd to be alone with God. On another occasion you saw the crowd and were moved with compassion. Grant  me with the grace of staying with you this day so that now matter where I go or what I do, I am aware of your presence. Amen.
 

 

Faces in the Crowd, Day 8

Benched by Lisa Molitor

This post is part of an on-going Lenten series that began Ash Wednesday. 

"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.

And after had had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. 

When evening came, he was there alone," (Matthew 14:22-23)

+

"When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matthew 9:36)

The pain of disappointment is the face  from my "inner crowd" that has been present the last few days. When something doesn't go as I wished and prayed for. Disappointment feels deflating - at just the time when I need energy to gather resources and change direction. I want Jesus to dismiss the pain of disappointment the same way he dismissed the crowd in the 14th chapter of Matthew's gospel. Instead, Jesus is with me in the pain of disappointment. He sighs deep sighs with me - and with you. 

The woman in Lisa Molitor's painting sits herself all the way to the edge of the bench - and her posture seems slumped and curled. Her hand holds the armrest almost as if she's steadying herself. She gazes into the unseen distance.

Today's vista and prayer:

• Have you felt the pain of disappointment recently? 
• How does Molitor's painting speak to you?
• We pray: Jesus, long ago you dismissed the crowd to be alone with God. On another occasion you saw the crowd and were moved with compassion. Be with me in the pain of disappointment. Let me know the warmth and steadiness of your compassion. Amen.

 

Faces in the Crowd, Day 7

In the Late Evening, Pino Daeni (Italian)

This post is part of an on-going Lenten series that began Ash Wednesday. 

"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.

And after had had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. 

When evening came, he was there alone," (Matthew 14:22-23)

+

"When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matthew 9:36)

This Lenten series I have been exploring faces in the "inner crowd."  Aspects of myself that hinder getting to the silence and stillness of prayer. My initial hope was that if I could name and identify those "faces in the crowd" that Jesus would dismiss them. Instead, Jesus welcomes all of me - accepts all of me in whole.  And the same is true for you. All of you is welcomed into his loving presence. You don't have to leave any part of yourself on the other side of the door. 

The face in the crowd I see tonight is the part of me that is like Jesus' friend Martha - worried and distracted by many things. The part of me that goes from task to task, getting increasingly irritated and worn out - until it feels like there is nothing left. I see my limitations and run right past them, telling myself, "just one more little thing, then I'll stop." And to this worn out face in the crowd, Jesus brings compassion and rest. 

In Daeni's painting, I see a someone at the end of a long day and it shows in her flushed cheeks, shadowed eyes, and hands still at work. Some evenings, I catch myself in the reflection of the kitchen window over the sink and see this same expression. 

Today's vista & prayer:

• In what ways do you find yourself in the pattern of being "worried, distracted and worn out"? 
• How does Daeni's painting speak to you?
• We pray: Jesus, long ago you dismissed the crowd to be alone with God. On another occasion you saw the crowd and were moved with compassion. Deliver me from worry and distraction, bring me into your graceful rhythms and grant me the gift of rest in your presence. Amen.
 

 

Faces in the Crowd, Day 6

Woman Arranging Flowers by Federico Zandomeneghi
 

 This post is part of an on-going Lenten series that began Ash Wednesday. 

"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.

And after had had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. 

When evening came, he was there alone," (Matthew 14:22-23)

+

"When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matthew 9:36)

A familiar face in my "inner crowd" is the one who wants to carefully arrange and control situations and outcomes. I used to say, "I have an over-developed sense of responsibility," but that was just an excuse for over-functioning. The truth is that I can't be a loving person and a controlling person at the same time. Even when I think I know what's best or when I am confident of what "should" happen, I don't really know. It's impossible to calculate every factor and every outcome. 

The painting by Italian painter, Zacndomeneghi reflects the cool selecting and arranging that this aspect of me wants to engage in - making her arrangement - just so.

Today's vista and prayer:

• In what situations and with whom do you find yourself wanting to be in control? 
• How does the painting speak to you?
• We pray: Jesus, long ago you dismissed the crowd to be alone with God. On another occasion you saw the crowd and were moved with compassion. As I trust that all of life, every person, every situation is in your hands, I can let go more and more.  Let me relax in your presence, knowing that you hold all things together. Amen.

 

Faces in the Crowd, Day 5

Thoughts by Carolyn Gavin (2019)

This post is part of an on-going Lenten series that began Ash Wednesday. 

"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.

And after had had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. 

When evening came, he was there alone," (Matthew 14:22-23)

+

"When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matthew 9:36)

The face I see in the crowd today is the part of me that gets lost in the thought. My mind gets occupied with ideas, memories, projects to consider, and finding solutions that I can miss life and the persons who are right in front of me. Sometimes I give so much attention to my thoughts that my heart gets quiet and fades into the background - waiting her turn. 

James Joyce wrote of one of his characters, "He lived at a little distance from his body." (Dubliners) Living in my head comes naturally, so spiritual practices that help me pay attention to my body - my breathing especially - help move my attention into the present moment and into my heart. 

Carolyn Gavin's painting shows me the vibrant possibilities of the world of ideas, but her eyes are closed and she cannot meet the viewers gaze or the world around her. 

Today's vista and prayer:

• Does your active mind keep you living "in your head" at times? 
• How does Gavin's painting speak to you?
• We pray: Jesus, long ago you dismissed the crowd to be alone with God. On another occasion you saw the crowd and were moved with compassion. Help me recognize the part of me that depends and dwells too much on my own thoughts. Quiet my overactive mind so my heart may speak. Let my heart find safety and freedom in your presence. Amen.

 

Faces in the Crowd, Day 4

The White Rabbit by John Tenniel, 1890

This post is part of an on-going Lenten series that began Ash Wednesday. 

"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.

And after had had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. 

When evening came, he was there alone," (Matthew 14:22-23)

+

"When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matthew 9:36)

Can I name one of the faces in the crowd? Not the crowd "out there" - but someone from the "inner crowd" of heart and soul?

Today I recognize the one in my crowd who is always in a hurry. Like the White Rabbit in Wonderland, there is an aspect of me that is always late and running behind. The hurry works its way inside and I am hurried in spirit. Always too much to do and never enough time to do it. This is the part of me that needs to take a deep breath, pause and start again. And in those pauses, there is a reminder that I can move in a gentle, unhurried way. 

In John Tenniel's illustration, I see the White Rabbit is so focused on keeping time that he is missing everything else around him. What do I miss when I'm focused solely on making the most of every minute? It seems our culture places such a high value on efficiency and getting things done quickly, that we miss out on the gifts of noticing and living with a meandering pace. 

Today's vista and prayer:

• Do you ever catch yourself hurrying when you don't need to? Have you adapted to a pace of life that seems to be in a constant rush?
• How does Tenniel's illustration speak to you?
• We pray: Jesus, long ago you dismissed the crowd to be alone with God. On another occasion you saw the crowd and were moved with compassion. Help me extend compassion to my hurried self . Let me find a more gracious pace in your presence. Amen.

 

Sabbath

Birds of Paradise, March 2022
Local Garden Center

 

Sabbath afternoon

the fullness of life meets us

wherever we are

Faces in the Crowd, Day 3

Icon of Christ and Abba Menas, Egypt (8th Century)
 

 

This post is part of an on-going Lenten series that began Ash Wednesday. 

"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.

And after had had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. 

When evening came, he was there alone," (Matthew 14:22-23)

+

"When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matthew 9:36)

I started Lent with the intention of staying with the Matthew 14 passage and exploring different faces of the "inner crowd." And believe me, I'm pretty sure I can identify 40 faces in that crowd. Faces and voices that exist within that I would like for Jesus to dismiss and send away.  

Except, I get the feeling that Jesus is not going to do that. Turning just a few pages in Matthew's gospel takes me back to the 9th chapter when Jesus looks with compassion on the crowd. Where I would like to draw lines of separation, Jesus works to bring wholeness. 

This icon has been a companion for many years. I am always struck by the way Jesus's arm seems to extend all the way around Abba Mena's shoulders, embracing him in friendship. I imagine Jesus's arm embracing me, and all of us, in compassionate friendship. 

Today's vista and prayer:

• In what ways have you experienced the compassion of Jesus in recent days? 
• How does the icon speak to you?
• We pray: Jesus, long ago you dismissed the crowd to be alone with God. On another occasion you saw the crowd and were moved with compassion. Bring me into your presence so I might experience your compassion and extend it to myself and others. Amen.

Faces in the Crowd, Day 2

Thinking of You by Rachel Lee

This post is part of an on-going Lenten series that began Ash Wednesday. 

"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.

And after had had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. 

When evening came, he was there alone," (Matthew 14:22-23)

The face in the crowd that I see today is the one who believes, "It will always be this way." Another way of saying it might be, "My life is a tracing and re-tracing the same lines." When I attempt to enter silence and prayer, this is the face that seems to say, "Nothing new is going to happen as you pray." It's not true. Life continues to unfold. Circumstances are changing all the time. Over time, I am growing and becoming. I'm not the same as I was 5 years ago or even a year ago. In prayer and in life, God is always speaking, always making something new. 

As I gaze at Rachel Lee's Thinking of You, it has the appearance of being drawn with a single line. Could the shape of our souls be drawn with a single line? Yes and no. 

Today's vista and prayer:

• In what ways do you experience the feeling of "It will always be this way? Do you have other ways of articulating that same thought? 
• How does Rachel Lee's painting speak to you?
• We pray: Jesus, long ago you dismissed the crowd to be alone with God. Dismiss the part of me that is invested in tracing and re-tracing the same lines. Bring me into your presence where you make all things new. Amen.

Faces in the Crowd, Day 1

Woman Sitting in a Chair by Henri Matisse (1926)

"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.

And after had had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. 

When evening came, he was there alone," (Matthew 14:22-23)

For Lent this year, I am considering these short verses from the Gospel of Matthew. I want to explore the faces I meet in the crowd - not the exterior crowd, but the interior crowd of heart and soul. 

It feels a bit splintering to consider that there is an inner crowd within - who all want their say. I make a move towards silence and as soon as it grows quiet - there's the crowd. Sometimes I avoid prayer and silence because of what begins to happen when I slow down. It's much easier to get distracted by an errand or a tv show or the laundry. 

The face in the crowd I see today is that aspect of me that tries to live life without depending on anyone else. The can-do, self-sufficient, "I don't need anyone" attitude. This face in a crowd is a friendship wrecker and lives armored up.  To give too much attention to this face in the crowd means I'll go through life without letting myself be known. Life would be drained of color without the gifts of friendship and community. The truth is, I do depend on others for acceptance and friendship. I can't step into honest prayer as long as I'm holding on to the idea that I can handle life without needing other people. It's a stingy way to live. 

In sitting with the "Woman Sitting in a Chair" by Henri Matisse, I see a woman who is facing the viewer, but turning to hide herself and her heart. 

Today's vista & prayer:

• In what ways do you rely on your own self-sufficiency and "I don't need anyone" attitude? Are those foreign or familiar to you? 
• How does Matisse's painting speak to you?
• We pray: Jesus, long ago you dismissed the crowd to be alone with God. Dismiss the part of me that insists on trying to go through life without depending on others. Keep calling me towards friendship with you and others so I might be known. Draw me into your presence. Amen.

 

Ash Wednesday

Dispersing the Crowd by Khalid Hourani (2019)

"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side, 

while he dismissed the crowds. 

And after had had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. 

When evening came, he was there alone," (Matthew 14:22-23)

Before Jesus could go to the mountain and pray, he dismissed the crowds. Sent them on their way. 

I have visited and re-visited these few verses over the last few weeks. Tonight, they are leading me into the season of Lent. 

As I make plans to expand and deepen times of prayer and reflection over the next 40 days, I see a crowd has gathered. In some ways the crowd is made up of all the things in the exterior world that call out for attention. In other ways, the crowd is not only in the outer world, but causing a ruckus in the inner world of heart and soul. 

I sense an invitation to name the faces in the crowd. Who do I meet in the silence when I go into times of prayer? And what might happen if I am honest about the crowd who accompanies me even as I seek to be in God's presence alone?

In sitting with the "Dispersing the Crowd" by Khalid Hourani, I've found a vibrant image that reflects the inner crowd as well as his expression of a literal crowd of protestors. I share it with you for your own seeing and reflection. I was reminded in a small group last week, that we each experience art in our own ways and something different will stand out for each viewer. 

Today's vista & prayer:

• How will you walk with Jesus these Lenten days?
• Are you aware of an "inner crowd" who seems to accompany you into silence and prayer?
• How does Hourani's painting speak to you?
• We pray: Jesus, long ago you dismissed the crowd to be alone with God. When evening comes, dismiss the crowd once again so I might find rest and companionship in your presence. Amen.

 

 

The Gift of Journaling

 

Waiting Pages, March 2022

The waiting pages

where gospel is re-written 

by your hidden heart

* I heard once that at any given time we are living inside a gospel story. From time to time, I try to imagine what story it feels like I am living in. Our lives can read like gospel - signs, wonders, lessons, suffering, companionship, faith and doubt, death and resurrection - it's all there. And when I find that I'm out of touch with my heart and my feelings, a few pages of writing allows my heart to speak.